how it all began
TW: domestic violence, relationship abuse, sexual trauma, life-ending thoughts
most of you here see me as the healing, empowered, strong version of a woman with direction and a healthy partnership. but that’s not exactly how it all began.
i don’t know what’s scarier. the fact that traumatic events happened in my life or that i still can feel like it’s happening again sometimes. like i’m a little girl again, believing that all men overpower and control the women in their lives. as i heal, i know i will get closer to lessening that feeling. i’ve come too far not to be confident about this. i’ve seen my progress. i know i can’t choose shame when i’m triggered because it doesn’t actually help me. acceptance does. it teaches me to feel strong even when i’m not sure if i can keep going.
as a young child, i was taught to always do what i was told. even if that meant doing something i didn’t want to do. this meant i was a good girl. so why did following these rules so strictly lead me into traumatic experiences? listening to pain behind closed doors, clenching my teeth, covering my eyes, dissociating into worlds within my head.. to be good. interesting how i thought that was the only way to live because it nearly ended it.
in 2016, the year before i made my move to la, i was close to ending my life. the flashbacks that had started, the depression, the fear of all men in my life, the was suffocating me. i hated myself and felt like i didn’t deserve to be alive anymore. i must have fallen asleep from the exhaustion of the panic attack because i woke up by frantic knocking on my door. it was my close friend who received my text and came right over. i looked down at my phone and had several calls and messages from my mom. it’s my firm belief that if i hadn’t fallen asleep, if i hadn’t received these reactions from my loved ones, i wouldn’t be here today.
in 2017 when i moved to california, i think i was just running away from that event and looking for a change. but it took me a couple more years to realize i was running away from a lot more than that and “it” was following me to my new home. of course, i dated a lot when i got out here. the guys i met would tell me “why don’t you trust me yet?” and i had no answer, “i just don’t” i’d say. soon i came to this earth shaking realization: i’m afraid of men and i don’t know why. so i started going to therapy and that’s when it started to flood in…
i felt torn in half when i realized last year that i had followed in my parents’ footsteps when i entered my first relationship as a teenager. the abuse was normal to me, because that’s what i had observed in most relationships i saw up until then. slowly and with compassion, i have been piecing together the parts that create a complete picture. generational trauma and beliefs about relationships are not my fault, or my parents’ fault for that matter. but i can do the work to unravel what i know and learn to break these curses.
i don’t blame the men in my life who have caused me pain anymore. i blame the systems of oppression, colonization, white supremacy, patriarchy, law enforcement, lawmakers… you get where i’m going with this here. it has taken a long time for me to learn how to walk a path in trusting a partner or even friends. trust takes time to build between two people. especially if your trust has been painfully broken in the past.
october is domestic violence awareness month.
i’m a survivor of relationship abuse generationally and firsthand. but so many folks still believe abuse is normal. in fact, intimate partner violence rose drastically in 2020 during the pandemic. and these are just reported cases. i went most of my life without putting into words what i experienced, so you can guess there are far too many more stories untold.
here are some common misconceptions about relationship abuse and healing that i wish i knew:
-abuse is not just physical. it is also mental, emotional, verbal, and energetic.
-if someone is forcing you to keep secrets to maintain the relationship, that is not okay.
-you are allowed to decide in the middle of sex that you want to stop. even with a partner.
-it is NEVER your fault if you have been abused. you are also not to blame if you don’t remember all of what happened.
-healing from relationship abuse is not easy. it can help to find a support system with a therapist, trauma-informed coach, family, friends, survivors group, or even a local shelter.
-do not rush the process of remembering or healing from abuse. step by step, take your time and take days off.
-there are good, trustworthy people out there. not everyone is bad.
one of my greatest life joys is that my mom and i have both found a truly healing path, individually and together. for years, we silently thought telling the truth would mean bad things would happen to us. truth has actually been our freedom. i still get a bit anxious that the people who caused me pain in the past will find these writings. that’s the ptsd and hypervigilance for ya. i know i have to voice my story though. because i know someone out there will read this and know, there is a way out. we all deserve healthy relationships.
xo lo
if you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence, text ‘START’ to 88788 or visit thehotline.org.
10% of my 1:1 live sessions are donated to a non-profit or charity of your choice. house of ruth is my favorite one to donate to. it is a shelter in the la area for folks who have experienced intimate partner violence or domestic abuse. visit their website to learn more.
