sometimes joy is confusing

why do i get anxious when i’m trying to rest or enjoy myself?

that’s because my mind, body, heart… may not be used to these more gentle experiences. so comfortable in the uncomfortable and having to constantly work to feel worthy. it could be a combination of trauma, inherited limiting beliefs, cultural norms, maybe we watched our parents or grandparents function this way. maybe anxiety felt like safety, something familiar. to keep us constantly producing output.

there is nothing wrong with you or i for feeling anxious when we finally get to experience pure peace and joy. it’s because you’ve had it taken away before. or maybe you’re afraid of joy because you don’t know how it feels. or maybe someone else taught you that sacrificing your peace was love.

ask yourself this to bring yourself back: are any of these reasons actually true anymore?

we are allowed to exist beyond the typical narrative. we are allowed to feel all parts of our experience. resting or enjoying yourself doesn’t have to be a perfect experience. because nothing is. so why not try to show up outside of that? even if joy must coexist with something else like anxiety or grieving. all of it is worthy of space. 

and when we practice something outside of our comfort zones little by little, it becomes more familiar. not easier, but recognizable. we’re able to make friends with joy in a new way. a more whole way.